Friday, May 05, 2006

Happy Cuatro De Mayo!

May 4 is my birthday. I'm always celebrating Cuatro De Mayo. ;)

Birthdays and the week leading up to it have always been an opportunity for me to take an introspective look at my life and the direction it's going. I'm also happy that I've lived to celebrate another one.

I've led a pretty interesting life and its gotten more so since my transition. It's a much happier one since I finally made body and mind match up in 1993.

I do have my moments when I lament about not experiencing my entire life as a female and wish I'd been born one when I emerged into the world at 10:45 PM several decades ago. It's taken me some time over the years to grow, accept and embrace my transwomanhood as the blessing it is.

I have the unique insights of living on both sides of the gender fence. It sets me apart from a natal woman who has no inkling what men go through on a day to day basis or the type of gender indoctrination they have to endure. Then again, women get a different indoctrination program that's just as restrictive.

I realize when I talk to the transmen on TSTB just how close I came to getting my fondest wish and how razor thin the physical differences are between men and women. A little less testosterone in vitro and my life would've been on a totally different path.

But how much more different than the current one?

I would definitely have been a much happier child growing up. I would've allowed myself to dream more often. I would've had the fun of attending my prom in a fab dress and not a powder blue tux. I would've gone into college with a much clearer sense of purpose. I would've had a better idea what career I wanted and exerted a more determined effort to make it happen instead of worrying about my unresolved gender issue. I'd have a better relationship with my family and I wouldn't have been afraid to fall in love.

I spent a lot of time pushing people away from me because I didn't want to hurt them when the gender issue that was raging like a ticking time bomb would eventually blow up. I feared it would cause pain not only for me but whatever natal female chose to love my 'twin brother'. In terms of the family, subconsciously I may have kept a distance from them because I knew that once I revealed that I was trans, there was a possibility I'd lose them forever and maybe I was trying to insulate myself from that pain.

The bottom line is that there's no way for me to accurately assess how different my life would be so I'll quit griping about it. I'm going to rededicate my focus toward becoming the Phenomenal Transwoman I'm evolving into and know that I am.

In order to do that I had to begin to love myself first before I could even hope to love someone else. The initial step in accomplishing that was dealing with the gender issue once and for all.

And that's the best birthday present I could ever give myself.

Feliz Compleanos, Monica.


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